When it is raining, it is because he is sad. Even his parrot's advice is insightful. If there were an interesting gland, his would be larger than most men's entire lower intestines. His shirts never wrinkle. He is left-handed. And right-handed. Even if he forgets to put postage on his mail, it gets there. He once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn't admit it. You can see his charisma from space. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting. He once punched a magician. That's right. You heard me. When he orders a salad, he gets the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs...where there is no turning back. If a monument was built in his honor, Mt. Rushmore would close, due to poor attendance. It is said the sun comes up later on the 6th of May, in case his Cinco parties run long. The Mayans prophecized his birth. Even lucha libres remove their masks in his presence. He once taught a German Shepard to bark in Spanish. He serves sizzling fajita platters barehanded. Bulls flat-out refuse to fight him. He once buried a time capsule full of things that haven't happened yet. He has been pronounced dead 7 times...make that 8. His bear hugs are actually hugs he gives to bears. He can't be bought, but his beard clippings have been know to show up on auction. He has never lost a sock. "He sleeps with a night light, not because he’s afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of him." "He holds a doctorate in originality in which he teaches at Harvard where no one ever passes." "When he goes skydiving Peregrine Falcons always trail behind him." "The President of a country once took a bullet for him on a failed attempt." "When he looks in the mirror there's never a reflection because he is only 1 of a kind." "He can defeat anyone in a game of chess without making any moves." "It is rumored that James Bond movies are his real life biography. " "He picks up chicks simply by literally picking them up." "His personality is so magnetic that he cannot carry credit cards!" "Restaurants offer him his usual table, even if he’s never been there." "Stray dogs obey his commands." "The Spanish Civil War was started by two women fighting over him." "His pot never has seeds." "Batman always uses the red phone as a direct contact for his advise." "Nightmares stay away from his cranium during R.E.M." "His passport has stamps of locations unknown to geographers." "People often ask him to spit in their hands for anti-bacterial purposes." "It is said that he once had a bowel movement, but it has never been confirmed." "He once was offered the holy grail, only to deny it saying he already had one." "It is said he once preformed brain surgery, while delivering octuplets." "In his presence scientists admit that all life sprang from his beard." He can speak French—in Russian. ( as he is saving a fox from a foxhunt) His beard has been known to stop bullets. He wears sunglasses to shield the sun.... from his eyes. He invented... the shocker. If he disagrees with you, it is because you are wrong. Most songs about love are written for him, about him, or by him. He'd never initiate a conversation about the weather, even in a typhoon. He's against cruelty to animals, but isn't afraid to issue a stern warning. Whatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side. If he crossed them, he would still be the right side. He won the same lifetime achievement award twice Signs that say "This is not an exit" do not apply to him. If he rides with you in your car, its resale value will instantly increase. If he passed you on the street you would still feel stopped and said hello and asked you about your day. He likes the word "fog". If you were trapped with him in an elevator, you wouldn't want to be saved. His business card just says, "I'll call you." His toe-nail clipping are considered legal tender in some third world countries. He once removed his own gall badder with a spoon ... just to prove he could! He was going to become a god -- but he turned down the demotion He once kissed a baby in a village outside of the province of Bandundu, and rid the entire continent of Malaria AND Aids. His blood smells like cologne On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders. His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him. His pillow talk is years ahead of it’s time. Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores. He says nothing tastes like chicken…not even chicken He voted for Obama", just once to see the chaos. When he wakes up the roses smell him. Was once found Guilty, of being Innocent His charm is so contagious; vaccines have been created for it. Years ago he built a city out of blocks. Today, over six thousand people live and work there. He is the only man to ever ace a Rorschach test. Every time he goes for a swim dolphins appear. Alien abductors have asked him to probe them. His legend precedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder He doesn't just stick with flour or corn tortillas, but mixes freely between the two. He was once 100% certain about being uncertain When he goes to a restaurant waiters tip him he has written proof that the bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram he once put himself up as collateral.. People hang on his every word... even the prepositions. He can disarm you with his looks, or his hands, either way His reputation is expanding faster than the universe. he is so respected, even his enemies put him as their emergency contact number He once licked a poisonous frog just to see what it felt like, He once snapped his wife's bra strap just to see what it felt like to get slapped, He once stopped a chicken from crossing a road, He once rinsed his toothbrush in the toilet because he felt like it. He once tried to save a seal from drowning. He knows who killed JFK He won the arms race He can see the Northern Lights from South America He counsels the Dalai Lama on matters of spirituality The Pope once requested an audience with him He thinks quantum physics is foolish He once got a woman pregnant just by looking at her... the babys name was Jesus. He once broke a razor on his beard... when he was 8 He knows exactly how many blondes it takes to change a light bulb If your GPS is slow, it's because it's waiting for HIS response... Niagra falls asked him to stand still so IT could take HIS picture. When he's waiting for his beer... it's only because his beer is really waiting for him. He watched as Neil Armstong landed on the moon... from the moon. He once accidentally shot a friend in the face... and his friend apologized to him for getting in the way. While playing Collage Football, he once played a game at the Quarterback and the Wide Receiver position... and single handedly won the game. His ego is always writing checks that his body can't cash. He will put you in a Full Nelson... just because your name is Nelson he IS smarter than a 5th grader... he can play Mozart and Beethoven on the piano... at the same time His sweat ALSO smells like cologne When He Makes Long Distance Calls, Charges do not apply to him.....
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